my feelings are hurt.

ok, so i know this is juvinile.. and that it doesnt matter because my true best friend is Jon and i have everything i need in him. BUT i would like to have some one i call a BFF who doesnt lie to me or keep information from me. i feel like i am in high school again, always feeling like i am not cool enough of whatever. its starting to piss me off. mostly because i am tired of spending all of my time at home because i quite honestly dont want to hang out with....[her] then to top it all of she has this dumbass fat bitch who hates me move in with her. [again,  her life choices are her own and i could give a fuck less who she lives with, altho i dont think it is goood for her son to have people like that living with him] i guess i am just tired of feeling like i have no one to tell my girly secrets too, because the one girl i love more than anything lives in Kansas and has her own life and lives to far away to hang out with more than a couple of times a year.. so where does that leave me?? Alone, and venting my feelings on here.  I know i have you guys [the actually people i know. lol] and i know that you are always there for me and shit, but ya'll have your own bff's and shit and i have my "thing" which i know you all dont approve of so that alone is enough to keep me from really wanting to hang out, because i feel like if i talk about it i am pressuring you [which i am not.. or at least not trying to]

i guess i just feel like my life has reverted back to high school... especially Englewood. I am always trying to fit in and find a friend... and i am failing and alone again.

WARNING.. PITTY PARTY AHEAD...

maybe its me.. maybe i just suck as badly as my inlaws say i do. because if i cant seem to keep any friends close, and i cant seem to find people to tolerate being around me then maybe i really am the piece of shit my in laws make me out to be.  I very obviously seem to suck big time, and basically every one tells me that i am "weird, nuts, bat shit crazy...."  i guess i am ment to be friendless and alone.



or


maybe i am just to fucking cool for the rest of you.

 Jon works all day tomorrow so i have all day to get shit done... this is just a list for me.

living room
sweep
mop
dust
clean computer desk
take down some of the shit on the entertainment center
hang pictures


Kitchen
dishes
clean counters
clean microwave
sweep
mop
windex back door
clean kitchen closet



sweep and mop stairs

Bedroom
make bed
dust and organize headboard
DUST!!!
sweep
mop
gather up laundry


Bathroom
sweep
mop
clean toilet
sink
bathtub
windex mirrors


do laundry

seriously, dont even bother to read this... its just an outline for our vacation next week... because i am a neurotic list maker that has to have every little detail planned out.

• leave here tuesday afternoon around 1,
  arrive at hotel around 4:30 give or take depending on traffic. dinner will probably be the sizzler or something...
  
• wednesday morning, breakfast at the hotel followed by a day at the zoo. probably a picnic at the zoo for lunch, dinner is yet to be determined. After dinner family fun time in the indoor pool at the hotel
• thursday morning breakfast again at the hotel followed by a trip to the childrens museum and depending on the weather either a trip to the Gene Leahy Mall or the Joslyn Museum then eating at Spaghetti works and begining our trip home...

all in all a short vacation....? Yes. But i think that we will have a good time if we can manage to not kill each other. Jon and i have a habbit of fighting when we are in confined spaces for long. LOL. But i think if we can survive the drive up there then we will be ok. i am still trying to figure out the food situtation since we have never been up there before, but i have a few days yet to figure shit out. I have already booked the hotel so we are all systems go at this point. i am taking aidan out of his class on tuesday so we can get an earlier start and get checked into the hotek right around check in time so we can get the most of our money. [im just like that... and you should know it by now]

its been a while since i updated so here is the latest news....


Aidan is going to speech Therapy twice a week, and we are now enrolled is parents as teachers.. which i did not want to be a part of. but whatever. i hope that this speech therapy helps aidan communicate better. even i have a hard time understanding him a lot of the time.

a good friend of mine came home on R&R from Iraq, hes gone again now.. its amazing how much you can miss some one after they step back into your life.  i havent seen him in 3 years, and rarely talk to him on face book and shit, but he and i got to hang out twice while he was here, and its like as soon as he got on the plane to go back i started m issing him. He was my best friend in high school, and as far as i am concerned he will always be some one i care deeply about. I wish he would come home again for good.

i have also found myself missing a lot of my friends from the past... people i havent sopken to in years... sometimes its people i literally havent spoken to in 10 years. its funny how you start to think about your old friends and whonder if they are the same people. i miss them, they were all great people... some of them just made some mistakes that cost them everything.  i hope they are all ok.

we have decided to stop trying to get pregnant untill after the new year. i dont want a summer baby again, i cant afford to have all of our birthdays in the same month.  but its actually ok with me, right now we need to concentrate on aidan and getting him to speek clearly and shit. we will start trying again sometime around the first of the year.

i have give up on my evil grandmother. shes a bitch and i refuse to associate with her. i dont care about my inhairatance any more. money isnt everything. i HATE burning bridges but i feel like i have to at this point. she never has anything nice to say to me, and everytime i call her i end up feeling worse than ever. the last time i talked to her she pushed me over the edge by telling me i am an ungrateful little bitch who is just like my mother.  she has said that kind of thing many times before but for some reason i feel like this time needs to be the last. i can no longer subject myself of my son to the kind of anger and bitterness that she posesses. i dont understand why she is the way she is. and at this point i dont really feel the need to understand her any more. in a way i feel sorry for her, because she keeps pushing every one away and one day she will just be left with the dogs she loves so much. i wonder tho.. if she realizes that those dogs will eat her soft tissues after she dies and no one finds her for weeks because she has pushed every one away.... thats something to think about. ha ha ha

i am working on keeping myself calm at all costs... i am meditating daily and trying to relearn how to breathe. its important for me to stay calm because i dont like how i get when i get stressed and angry.  i yell and throw shit, and that is not who i want to be.

this has become much longer than i expected when i started, so i am going to leave the rest for another post, its time for me to go on duity anyways, aidan is up and we need to get ready to go to lunch with the  good grandma. lol


to all of you who read this, i wish all of you a blessed day.

ok, so i know i havent updated in ages. i really have had nothing to blog about...

i need to get back on track with my diet and weight loss shit, but the Labor day weekend KILLED me. i ate so much crap at Santicaligon (for those of you who are not local..Santicaligon is our local white trash carnival and craft fair... its similar to the state fair but a bit smaller and without animals. lol. its where we do the anual MULLET HUNT.) i ended up bigging out on funnel cakes and apple fritters.. like any good american. lol. so now i have to get back on track, because we decided to go a head and continue with the baby making. so i need to get into shape so i can have another child. i do plan on continuing working out while i am pregnant.. it is ok to change your body while pregnant. i can still swim, and tone my arms and legs and shit... just nothing stressful and no freaky diets. which i am not fond of anyways.. i dont do the fasting thing or anything, just doing the smaller plates smaller portions and cutting out the soda, ice cream and all other yummy stoner foods. lol

Aidans appointment with the speech therapist is at 11 in the morning, and i am nervouse as hell about it. I know that he will get all shy and quiet around them, and he wont talk like he should.. and we are there because his [dumb ass bitch] pediatrican thinks he needs to be evaluated. i think that he is just [barley] three and he talks fine most of the time. i even had a lady the other day tell me he sounded like a 5 year old... so hopefully he talkes like he usually does and shows the therapist that he is ok. i know that he is smart, and he has an extensive vocabulary, and he speeks fairly long sentences for a 3 year old. so I dont think there is a real problem besides him being lazy some of the time.. he will occassionally drop the last syllable/letter of a word.

well, i think that is about it for now..